charm of depression (haibun)

Depression can mean many things.  We tend to overuse that word meaning, sad, moody, down in the dumps and wiped from work or school;  all these last moments to days or weeks but depression is not quite the same thing.

I remember seeing the face of depression when I was a teen for the first time.    I observed the grey tint to her face, the emptiness in her hazel eyes and that consistent  pout.  Of course, what did I know at thirteen?  I thought there was a cause and  that was the effect.  One person causing a broken heart, which in turn turned those hazel eyes into depression.

And yet, I know now that it is far more complex than that.  Yes, a broken heart is grieving a love that one had. I like to call all grief a “necessary depression”.    And that sadness can conjure up old wounds and offer an opportunity to reflect and perhaps heal some of them.

Depression does not have to be the result of a particular cause.   It can surface for no reason at all outside of the person.  “A chemical imbalance,” a doctor may explain.  I remember getting calls from youths shocked that they could possibly be suffering from depression when they were in a loving family, they had good friends at school and they were doing will academically.    But this does happen.  Sometimes there is a genetic component that may increase the risks of depression.

I also recall working in home-care and seeing some of my colleagues (nurses or personal support workers) who were suffering from “burnout”.  I had not realized how that can creep into your life like a snake…very slowly.

That may be why I never saw it coming for myself. Working at two part-time jobs, taking two courses per semester at university, member of school committees at my children`s school, along with other volunteer positions.   I learned what it meant to “burn the candle at both ends”.

Depression allowed me…no forced me…to take the time to reflect on my life.  It was like I was driving on the expressway and never taking the time to stop and visit the towns along that highway.  Depression forces you to take the scenic route, although you may not see it as charming at first. Truths are never too pretty to face sometimes but the weight alleviated makes your perception on life so much prettier.

depression
depleting life’s fragrance
fetid black hole
semantics adorn truth
eau de mélancolie

&&&

rising to darkness
blinded
glare of the sun
struggling to decipher
imitation from realness

&&&

dawn to dusk
one long steady sweep
of grayness
children playing in a park
specs of colour start bouncing

&&&

depression
my sunshine poking me
never giving up
finding my lost treasure
my self-worth

©Tournesol’16

Written for Chèvrefeuille’s Carpe Diem Haiku Kai

This started off as a series of tanka and I decided to personalize it more and shall share it to my other blog StigmaHurtsEveryone

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19 thoughts on “charm of depression (haibun)

    1. Aw, thanks, Celestine. I thought this might fit better on my other blog under my pseudonym at Traces but the more we talk about this, the more people will get help during such times.

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  1. I have battled depression for decades…both me and my sisters have spent time in hospital because of this…we had a rough 2016…my oldest sister nearly died…so much went on…my biggest current fear is i could become homeless…ill be writing about this very soon…your post so nicely written-loved it

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      1. Thanks…it continues to be hard…i’ve posted my first story on this site called Living With Depression from 2015 to the present…future stories i will discuss my life from the day i was born including some good and funny moments along with the many things that caused my life long battle with depression…my writing skills aren’t the greatest but i still hope i get my message out htere…i dont look for pity or anything else…i just hope my story is helpful to others out there who suffer depression or knows someone who does…

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