I had my last appointment at the podiatrist …and decided to take an Uber. I did not feel like spending a few hours in transit. It was raining again like the last appointment. Maybe the Universe arranged it this way so I would not feel guilty spending money on my ride.
Usually I enjoy chatting with the drivers who often have such interesting stories to share but this morning, I noticed the driver seemed interested in their talk show about politics on a francophone channel and thought it best to get back to my podcast. The driver seemed to drive with an uncertain foot…fast, then slow, fast, then slow. Yep, just as well, I did not chat on this ride as it might distract the driver.
After the brief appointment, I decided to walk to the coffee shop to have lunch and relax. On my way there, I was pleasantly surprised to see a car stop to let me cross. A gesture like that sure makes my day!
feeling grateful
a stranger’s act of kindness
fills my heart
I took out my little notebook I carry with me just in case I get an idea for a poem and savoured my dark roast.
at the coffee shop
aromas rouse my senses
soft music echoes
unaware to such pleasures,
patrons staring at their phones
Recently I have been reflecting on how I tend to be preoccupied with worry. However, I realize that ruminating in some cases bring me joy for example, when I am replaying a memory that warms my heart.
I remember seeing a video my daughter in law was kind enough to send me of my 3 yr old grand-daughter opening a Valentine card I mailed her and she takes her time trying not to tear the card inside, seeing it as a gift to her and once she opens it she shouts, “It’s a HOLIDAY! Thank you, Nana!” How quickly such delightful moments escape us when we are trying to record that moment…
pen to paper that brief moment put into words
pen to paper recalling that joy freezing an image alas! the moment has passed! like a butterfly in flight
I have since found a marvelous way to hold on to such memories. I relive them several times in my mind and whenever I need to take a 5 minute break to relax and get my “joyful fix”, I close my eyes and focus only on these blessed moments. I have several of my personal real life videos banked in the front drawer of my brain. Try this “fail free” practice of visiting joy at your leisure…and breathe [smiles].
For the past 4 weeks I have been rereading the Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron and redoing the exercises. The main one is journalling 3 pages each morning the moment I wake up. That is a bit of a challenge on the days I work since I am not a morning person and I have to set the alarm 30 minutes earlier. But I do set up my coffee maker on my vanity in my bedroom the night before so I can at least have my java fix as I write in a stream of consciousness.
Today is Day 2 of Week 4 and I managed to be inspired to write one poem/haiku…but you would not believe how I got my inspiration!
I noticed a new icon named Co-Pilot, on the task bar of my laptop and out of curiosity, I clicked on it. It popped up on my right side and it is an AI offering to answer questions, create background images …basically everything and anything. So, I typed in “poetry prompts” and it listed a bunch of types of poems…then I typed in “Haiku prompt” and it gave the definition of a haiku and gave me a bunch of prompts that were mediocre but the one that struck me was “sound”. I was hearing a sound in my office that stimulated emotions in me…and so here is the haiku that turned into a troiku.
Sleeping Sounds of Innocents (troiku)
Gentle whimpering
soothes the ears as she writes
sleeping feline moans
gentle whimpering
subtle sounds of innocence
moments of pure joy
soothes the ears as she writes
recalling sleeping infants
tugging at the heart
sleeping feline moans
dreaming chase in open fields
feasting on its prey.
“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”― John Lennon
She is not a religious person. She likes to think of herself as spiritual on one level, believing there is something greater than we can even conceive out there in the universe (except for the great minds who have risen to such a level of consciousness). She was raised to believe in God, Jesus as her brother, Mary as her mother. Such a foundation formed in a child’s mind usually stays…it had stayed with her. She still recites the Hail Mary from time to time; she still crosses herself when she passes a hearse or on-duty ambulance.
She feels there is beauty even in darkness. There is ugliness even in beauty. It does very little if you have hurt someone or made mistakes that impacted on others, if you do not first acknowledge it. That does not mean to live a life of guilt. Guilt is like a barometer, measuring moral good and bad. Oh, you know when you have crossed that line! You feel the twinge in your gut telling you “uh-oh, what have I done.” You may continue on that same path, but I have a sneaking suspicious once you are “aware” of its ugliness, it will never be the same…never be as joyful…never ever will you be able to reach bliss.
Like a person addicted to heroin who first experiences that pure high…nirvana, he calls it and every other time he shoots up, he is chasing that same feeling which he never will achieve. Imagine if for once, just once, you achieved such a high, a pure white light of consciousness of feeling uplifted and serene just by meditating or chanting your favourite prayer or mantra! Now that would be something to chase…what a beautiful goal in life.
What feeling do you get when you give someone something without ever owing them anything, without they`re asking for anything…just because you want to give?
The other day she was rushing to work and stopped to pick up a bagel and cream cheese…it was cut in half and she took one out to eat quickly before getting on the Métro. She passes a young man, who she often sees at the same spot begging for money. She had not gone to the bank to get any money since her trip, so she handed the bag with the other half of the cream cheese bagel and simply said, “Please, it is still warm…” and left.
Walking to the Métro, towards rue St-Denis at midnight where it gets a bit tricky to cross the street, she stands at the centre of the street on a block of cement not to get hit by the oncoming traffic and waits patiently. An off-duty ambulance stops and waits for her to cross the street. She felt so blessed…what a beautiful gesture, a selfless act! It gave her such a nice warm feeling walking home at one in the morning. What a lovely way to end her day/night.
Amma, (Mata Amritanandamyi) is an Indian Guru, a saint, Divine Mother, a deity, who believes in Love and Compassion. Thinking of the death of John Lennon today, December 8, 1980, she cannot help but be reminded how he believed, modeled and sang about peace, compassion and love as well. Amma chants, Lokah Samastah Sukino Bhavantu (May Peace and Happiness Prevail).
snowing petals like white flowers falling from the sky
John Lennon wrote a song in January 1970 and this particular song was recorded the very next day. Apparently, this is something quite rare. It is said he repeated the studio recording three times and that was it…it was ready. Surely he was also blessed at that moment writing about peace…not condemning necessarily those who do wrong because after all, we may have a chance in another life to do good. She believes that it is often in this same lifetime we are given an opportunity to change our lives around. She saw it family…people who had led a life of greed and hurt many people along the way. The last twenty years of their lives, they became better persons…they suffered illnesses, suffered loneliness and isolation but their attitude in life turned from bitterness to a state of satisfaction and fulfillment.
“A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality”(John Lennon)
Here is that famous song, the late John Lennon composed and sang 46 years ago:
Instant Karma by John Lennon
Instant Karma’s gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on the head
You better get yourself together
Pretty soon you’re gonna be dead
What in the world you thinking of
Laughing in the face of love
What on earth you tryin’ to do
It’s up to you, yeah you
Instant Karma’s gonna get you
Gonna look you right in the face
Better get yourself together darlin’
Join the human race
How in the world you gonna see
Laughin’ at fools like me
Who in the hell d’you think you are
A super star
Well, right you are
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Ev’ryone come on
Instant Karma’s gonna get you
Gonna knock you off your feet
Better recognize your brothers
Ev’ryone you meet
Why in the world are we here
Surely not to live in pain and fear
Why on earth are you there
When you’re ev’rywhere
Come and get your share
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
Come on and on and on on on
Yeah yeah, alright, uh huh, ah
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
On and on and on on and on
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
November often is filled with grey skies, fallen leaves and cold rain that often turns to snow. It is a time of transition between cool to cold, between vibrance versus calm and rest. Mother Earth needs a rest and will wrap us soon with a white blanket…Some people are excited for the holidays but many feel melancholy, missing loved ones far away or no longer here. Some are living in a past that is missed, others look forward to the joys of holiday gatherings, good food and children’s eyes twinkling with excitement.
At my age, I’ve been blessed with archives of many joys and here are just a few…
Sitting by the riverside, waiting for the sun to set
willows weep with joy last sights of nature’s beauty sun dips below silent nestlings tucked in robin does her last round
sunset dips beneath blue azure fluid hues of joy
So many joys to share…moments in time linger in my memory.
The first time you learn you are pregnant after years of trying. I remember not believing the pharmacist and asked him to write it down on the receipt to show my husband. My legs were shaking so much, giggling nervously and I could not drive for a good fifteen minutes.
I remember thechallenges of being a first time homeowner. One morning, my husband had to call the contractor for help when our basement was flooded. I just kept smiling…Iwas in my own world because I felt my baby move in my belly for the very first time.
Hearing the crunch underfoot walking on that first snowfall. Making snow angels and tasting snowflakes on my tongue. Hearing my grandson giggle when I slipped and fell in the snow. Hearing my grand-daughter respond to my ”Te amo”…with ”Mucho mucho!”…a joy that makes the heart melt with so much love.
Seeing my grandchildren wave and smile at me on video chat!! Even technology can bring me joy!
The first time my child says, “Mummy” My adult child that says“I love you, Mom!” Grandchildren saying, “I love you Nana!”
A struggling youth in such pain ends his call with me, “You give me hope”
Toddler walking barefoot on the grass for the first time, lifting his foot because it tickles.
night unveils new dawn dewdrops on soft petals sun kissed skies
Memories transport me to another time…
sitting on a park bench giggling children joy painted on their lips
sitting on a park bench swallows chirp telling stories
giggling children skipping, running joyfully tag you’re it
joy painted on their lips brings new life to any day how the spirit glows!
Awakened Christmas moring discovering Santa’s surprise under the tree. Eavesdropping from my bed, “But how did he know?!” my heart bathed in love, weeping tears of joy…
Carols echoing Adeste Fidele…such moments of delight! Yesterday’s joys, born again, I smile anew!
It’s 3am and she cannot sleep…the mind just won’t shut UP! Drowning in too many emotions dredged from those thoughts, she finally gets up to make a cuppa and let her fingers translate the mind’s clutter….tap, tap, tap…the words fill the page…tap, tap, tap, her cup is almost empty…
Today we celebrated National Indigenous Peoples Day which also falls on summer solstice. All day an the beginning of summer, the end of the school here in Quebec and the birth of her mother. On June 22nd, 1926, a lovely, smiling baby girl was born…she had curly locks and a contagious laugh. She brought joy to so many people and loved her children and grandchildren/great grandchildren more than life itself. And that says a lot. She had two open heart surgeries and 3 other heart procedures…she fought so hard to live. Where did she get the courage and strength? Surely her unrelenting faith as well as her love for her family. It is appropriate that she started her journey into this world during the summer solstice…the sun was her best friend. Oh how she loved its glow and warmth!
She is missed but today her memory brings joy. Bonne Anniversaire, Colombe….Happy Birthday, Mom/Nanny.
Open your heart
letting in joy
Scent of sweet lilacs
Open your heart
Rustling leaves
Sound of laughter
Letting in joy
Swaddled in the warmth
Of summer
Scent of sweet lilacs
longest day of the year
Summer solstice
How I miss her nudging me...those sporadic visits. Going for a walk, I would feel the hints of a verse, a word...a perfect moment whispering to me. My mind always wanders...so hard to be mindful because my eyes see one thing for a moment and then she takes over with an interesting narrative. A bike missing a wheel thrown carelessly beneath a balcony. What if it was a kidnapping and the bike was thrown here from another town? What if it was an accident and the biker had no ID, police still looking for John Doe? What if...indeed!!
I miss holding an image in my heart f then allowing it to simmer for a day or two and turning it into a watercolour of words, three brief lines that take your imagination on to a lovely journey. Other times it can be philosophical or spiritual but definitely, with a tasteful metaphor.
Since the pandemic, rather than benefit from time during those moments if isolation... inspiration changed to a very scattered mind. Words were mixed with fear but this morning there was a slight shift ...
Softly whispers
Welcoming lilt
Brief rendezvous
Softly whispers
Moment in time
wades in my soul
Welcoming lilt
Holding my breath
Listening to her voice
Brief rendezvous
Still
breathtaking
(c) Tournesol 2023-03-05 Daily Moments
A widow and her sons gathered with their cousins the evening before…reacquainting with each other, reminiscing their childhoods…remembering their father, their uncle, her life long partner of 68 years, who passed. They laughed, they danced, they ate a feast cousins had ordered for the family; they drank and remembered a wonderful man who touched so many friends and family of all ages. One cousin was up late downloading music her cousins had chosen to be played at the burial. Another cousin went to the florist to get roses and rose petals.
The next morning, she woke up early and went to the coffee shop to have breakfast and listened to her muse…in two hours her uncle’s ashes would be interred at the family graveside. It was cloudy but not raining and clouds were making room for the sun’s rays…
Cimetière Notre-Dame-des-Neiges, Montréal, Qc.
grey skies
beckoning
no more tears
grey skies
casting shadows
under their eyes
beckoning
softly whispers
please don't cry
no more tears
like dust in the wind
smiling from above
(c) Tournesol 2022-10-18
and then the sun appeared as if he was smiling ...
It’s been 10 to 12 C the past few days and today, she could actually feel a shift in the air. Windows were open all day and her two felines slept on their carpets by the open patio door. By late afternoon, she could feel a chill and she closed the windows except for her bedroom where she enjoys the cool air under her warm duvet.
silky soft
stretching along her chest
scent of autumn
Inhaling freshness with a sigh
remembering their runny nose
nose peaking
above down feathers
breathing in crispness
We hear of endings
the last time
that last moment
saying goodbye
and yet,
no warnings of “firsts”
first Christmas
first New Year
first birthday
and many other firsts
who would have known
the last would turn full circle
to the first
being as tender as that last day
bittersweet in many ways
ingredients of woe
are recipes of grief.
how to separate sorrow
from blissful memories?
you don’t
it’s not planned
it’s processed
it’s lived
it’s worn
like an old hoodie
fitted like a soft duvet
feeling like a heavy blanket
struggling with the heaviness
of fond narratives of a past
ah but the weight one feels
of such collections that we sort
but carry oh so selfishly
letting go is not a language
yet understood…
hanging on to each noun, pronoun,
verbs and oh those adjectives!
Time does not lighten this quilt
but our heart becomes accustomed
weaving heartfelt stories
every shade and colour
securing them with bonded yarn
strong, everlasting scripts
never-ending stories
our heritage woven lovingly
… a family heirloom.
I’m in the country this week minding my son’s dogs and cat. Heidi (German Shepherd) and Mia (Golden mix) are sisters and they are like two giant peas in a pod. They play together, sleep together, eat together but compete to get petted of course. And GiGi, the Persian could care less about those giants. She does her own thing. She loves jumping on the kitchen counter and drinking water straight from the tap and pleads with me daily. My son warned me NOT to do that since it took him months to have her finally drink out of a bowl. Since he leaves the kids for ten to twelve hours, he would not want her to dehydrate. It is so tempting though to indulge the little thing, like Nana giving too many sweets to the grands…that is exactly how I feel with these pets.
It is a long trek to get to work for me but the peacefulness here is palpable.
Day 5 and I am still not able to talk …much. It starts off hoarse, then disappears completely. So naturally, I cannot work since I counsel on the phone. Too much time to think. I think about what I would do when I do retire. It has to be planned…a bit of travelling, volunteering, taking courses I’ve never had time to take, learning a new skill, dusting off and perfecting an old skill and all of this is done with human contact. So you can see my dilemma, right? For over two years we have been living in a world of no contact whatsoever to 2 metre human contact. Face masks are being removed tomorrow and I don’t see why except governments just want to appease the “fed-ups” and try to establish some form of normalcy. Yes, masks do protect…both you and me.
Last week we had our dryer vents cleaned in our condo building for all 27 co-owners. The 2 workers walked around with no masks, then saw my colleague and I had ours on, so one put his on and the other took a good 2 to 3 minutes searching for his ratty old cloth mask (to me did not give me confidence one bit). And at each condo, the fellow would ask if he had to wear his mask. Of course the answer was, “Yes, please and I will wear mine as well.” I shook my head in dismay and made faces that no one could see thanks to my mask. Haha, there are good points to wearing a mask!
Speaking of masks and the reality we all live in, I try not to watch the news lately…makes me weep hearing anything bad and let’s face it, Emma, 99% of the news is bad. Correction, the media reports bad news in huge proportions. It is interesting that we complain how governments have held us hostage for two years…but what about the media? Have they not enjoyed this control? this total attention especially during total lock downs? Anyway, to do the work that I love and to be able to have the strength to hear challenging true stories of pain, abuse and despair, I need to cut off the bad news, thank you very much. The only news I can read about now and then is politics because that does not make me sad…it angers me and I feel a little less powerless….I can always vote, right? I could protest as well but that means I may be putting my health at risk since, after all, I am of that more delicate generation where health is a bit more fragile. So I sigh and give in to my fear of getting sick and stay home and shout at the tele and swear at politicians. I have given up writing to them because I never even get the courtesy of an acknowledgement. I’m of the anglophone population, so they (all political parties) don’t really care. We are such a minority that politicians are sucking up to the majority, the nationalists and the xenophobes. The nationalists don’t scare me because many have a view for a separate nation but do not hate anglophones or allophones. There is a difference, I think. Most of my friends are francophones and nationalists but I don’t feel any animosity towards me.
It is interesting that the media talks about how my province has little tolerance to other cultures but that is actually a “condition” many people have all over Canada. We like to look towards the South and see how our neighbours cough up venom towards liberalism and democracy and acceptance and multiculturalism. But Canadians are not lily white…not pure and innocent, I am afraid and this pandemic has brought out the true colours of many people. The virus of intolerance we see in the South is here as well and that worries me. NO! That scares me.
I’m a baby Boomer and have much less time left on this earth than many but I worry for my children and their children.
Oh for goodness sake, Emma, this is turning into a sappy Dear Abby letter. What was really on my mind when I started this post was after reading a headline this morning. “Covid Numbers are going down in Quebec, 25 deaths”. How is “25 deaths” supposed to make me feel relieved. Every day I see similar headlines but it is the last 2 words that hit me each time. “xx deaths”. People are mourning their loved ones; each day there are still deaths and that is what saddens me. We no longer hear the premier saying, “sorry to the family and friends of xx deaths”. That stopped a long time ago. Why? Are these deaths less hurtful? It’s all a strategy to focus more on the positive because people are depressed. I know that! I hear the stories 3 days a week from youths and young adults…I know that! But still, each day there are losses. A person has lost a friend or relative. They are mourning. I wish I could say, ” I see you, I’m sorry for your loss.”
The CBC used to give space to people who had lost a family member to talk about their lives the first year of the pandemic and now…we no longer celebrate their lives here?
My thoughts and prayers go to the family and friends of those 25 deaths today …
It’s Mother’s Day and I keep thinking backwards and then forward…I miss my mom but i see her in me, and through me and through my children and love her for keeping her spirit alive in all of us. She is in my children and grandchildren…loving them so so much.
It’s that time of year again remembering uncooked chocolate pudding and toast in bed each grain of powder saying, “I love you Mom” ceramic paper weights paper doilies macaroni necklace…
I remember picking dandelions and drawing pictures, gluing absorbing cotton clouds hearing her voice singing songs with made up words laughing with delight and childlike joy running her fingers in her curly hair hugging me, whispering “I love you, darling”
Remember when we had to get used to saying “The Artist- formerly known as Prince”? I was trying to find a way to name that Russian president [what’s his name] similarly. I wrote several forms. I was still not satisfied. Then I looked up some names he is known for today…”Dickhead” is one that caught my attention. But the only one that seemed to fit how I felt about him today is “Devil Incarnate – formerly known as Putin”.
dogs howl in mourning
baffled by the devil's work
longing their masters
echoes of rustling leaves
trees shudder with grief
midst the smog of war
clouds form from malice and greed
STILL - Ukraine's heart beats
(c) tournesol '2022-04-03
As we hope to approach the end of this pandemic, a month ago the world witnessed an explosion of chaos, of violence, of trauma, of one of the worse assaults against humanity…I’m not an expert on this. I am but an ordinary person who is in her late autumn years…or is it winter? Well, it is not spring or summer, so you figure it out.
Watching the news is a cat and mouse affair for me. I want to be in the “know” but most days I can no longer handle it. I know I need to be fresh and together so my heart is open to be filled with trauma, sorrow and the multiple questions from a confused generation of youths and young adults. And so I watch the news 3 days a week to keep some balance in my heart…my mind.
I cry for youths. I cry for my children and their children…heck, I cry for anyone who is younger than me and so many of their dreams are in question. I weep out of fear, worry, disappointment with the world and how we have become split in so many ways…more than I have ever seen in my lifetime.
I have lived a long full life without the chaos we are faced with now but my heart aches especially for children, teens and young families all over the world.
I have been trying to embrace brief moments of joy…I heard a flock (gaggle) of geese honking over my building at sunset last week…the sound made my heart beat just a little faster. My geranium is blossoming so much as it stretches out towards the sun in my bedroom window…embracing moments of joy, my feline stretching in the sunshine and my granddaughter talking to me in “her” language that is music to Nana’s ears.
don’t cry little one
the sun is shining today
hear the geese honk
April rains wash pain away
the sun will dry your cheeks
chin up little one
skipping rope and chanting rhymes
oh! sweet merriment
Valentine’s is supposed to be about love and couples but since I had my children 4 decades ago, it was more about LOVE for anyone who is very special to you, especially my immediate family.
I remember cutting out Valentine cards to share at school to those “special people” …if it was someone, we had a little crush on, we did not sign it. I also helped my children cut theirs out as well and in this generation, they seem to include more people. I am hoping that is indicative of the world we now live in…to be kind to one another…to show support and caring.
The media shows us the opposite because unfortunately “tragedy sells.” Yet, with all that has been going on in the world in the past two years, I am sick of giving attention to sadness, cruelty, and hardships. I am not saying I want to live in a bubble, but I/we DO need balance…knowing about kindness and how wonderful many people have come forward to help one another warms my heart and that too should be in the media…not just an addendum at the end of the news.
One thing I have loved doing in the past few years is writing my own greeting cards and sending them out to some friends far and near…mostly friends who live alone like me.
I do not know about you but when I get something in the mail, I get so excited…I run upstairs and put the envelope on the dining room table and make myself a cuppa tea and then I sit down and savour it. Sometimes it is one line and other times it is a bit longer but the fact that someone cared enough to write something on paper, put it in an envelope, sealed it with love, addressed it with care and attention, put a stamp and walked or drove to drop it off in a mailbox means so much!
I had another selfish reason to do this as well. It inspires me to write a poem and talk in writing to a friend, and forcing me to walk to the nearest mailbox which is 1 km away…so it is also beneficial to my physical and mental health to walk which is something I have not done much this winter especially since my fall early in January. It made me wary of walking on icy sidewalks.
I often try to spread out the cards so I have to go out more often.
This is a troiku (new form of haiku created by Chevrefeuille, at Carpe Diem Haiku Kai I wrote a few days ago, that made me think of my friends this valentine week.
greyness lingers lockdowns hold us prisoners when will winter leave?
greyness lingers looking for a bit of light shining in my heart
lockdowns hold us prisoners soon the days shall pass Oh, see the light shine
when will winter leave? thankful for a caring friend brightens every day
She hears stories from those who have lost a parent to Covid since 2020. At that time we lost so many seniors here in Quebec…the most deaths in this country are in this province. She hears people say, “Oh, it’s mostly folks in their 80’s” as if that makes it less painful to families who have lost their parent or grandparent and not have the privilege to be by their side. Her heart bleeds when she hears this and she’s so grateful her parents passed before this pandemic. She feels blessed to have been with both her parents when they died. So many families did not have that privilege. Some said goodbye on flat screens, others never did. And too many died alone or if they were lucky, alongside a compassionate health care worker.
Her worse fear was for her grand daughter, a Covid baby born in 2020, would not be strong enough to fight this virus. Two weeks ago, Covid visited her daycare and she also tested positive. Fortunately she weathered through this virus very well as did Papa and Mama. Her prayers were answered…her family is still safe.
The world is at crossroads. Families and friends are arguing. Families are not visiting each other…adult children are pushed away from their parents…the vaxed versus the unvaxed. It reminds her of hostile political times in the 1970’s here…the separatists vs the federalists. It feels the same way it is destroying relationships among friends and families. However, it is different because people are dying…on both sides…the vaxed and unvaxed are getting sick and the health care system is cracking. Over 20,000 health care workers are off sick or have resigned!
She fell on the ice the other day on her way to the bus to get her booster shot (3rd dose). It was icy and even though she had cleats on her boots, she still tripped over a big chunk of ice under the snow. She could see herself falling and in that split second she told herself, “Oh, thank goodness there is a young woman a few feet away” she was hoping she would help her up. She had actually turned her head to see her fall, but just walked away. She wept from disappointment …it hurt more than her bruised ribs.
She feels blessed that she can still work from home…counselling youths and young adults especially during these challenging times. It is the first time since 9/11 she hears calls from youths worried about their future …just as we are all worried. In fact it is the first time that she feels a solidarity among humans who are struggling…a worldwide shared compassion.
She limits her personal contacts to family and a few older friends who live alone like her so they can encourage each other and regardless of the content of the conversation, they always end it with something positive and sometimes funny. Laughter is contagious and therapeutic. The sound of a person’s laughter lingers in their memory and makes them smile.
Photos on her smart phone, videos of her grandchildren and video chats sustain her these passed two years.
A toddler smiles
A new treat with three layers
Unravels her treasure
Licking precious sweetness
Her first Oreo cookie
In memory of the 14 women who were killed Dec 6, 1989 there will be a tribute planned for the victims of Ecole Polytechnique shooting.
The women killed in 1989 were Genevieve Bergeron, Helene Colgan, Nathalie Croteau, Barbara Daigneault, Anne-Marie Edward, Maud Haviernick, Barbara Klucznik-Widajewicz, Maryse Laganiere, Maryse Leclair, Anne-Marie Lemay, Sonia Pelletier, Michele Richard, Annie St-Arneault and Annie Turcotte.
Fourteen beams of light will be projected into the sky from Mount Royal where Prime Minister Trudeau, Quebec Premier Francois Legault and Montreal Mayor, Valerie Plante are set to be present.
14 beams of light
reaching to the sky
tears in heaven
14 beams of light
14 innocent women
hear their cries
reaching to the sky
pleading for answers
still …feeling their loss
tears in heaven
forever
we remember
(c) tournesol 2021/12/06
Tributes planned for victims of École Polytechnique shooting on 32nd anniversary - The Globe and Mail
7 years passed
missing her each day
like it was just
yesterday
miss her scent
rich and heavy
animated laughter
flirtatious smile
uttering her sweet “darling”
with a British accent
7 years has passed
miss her like
it was yesterday
Love you Mom
now and forever
a timex love affair
keeps on ticking.
(c) tournesol 2021-12-02
I heard it was World Gratitude Day today, on this 21st of September 2021
World Gratitude Day on this 21st of September 2021.
1- it is my hairdresser’s birthday today, so I am very grateful to have found her 2- I am grateful to have a purpose every morning I wake up and have work that I embrace 3- I am grateful having amazing managers and an supervisor that allow me to be who I am and support me when things are tough 4- I am so grateful for my adult children who have also given me amazing grandchildren 5- I am most grateful for the friends I have who are far and near and some are my colleagues as well. 6- I am grateful for my health especially for my sight , so I can read, and soak up all the beauty around me 7- I am thankful when my muse comes for a visit and I can create a poem or story 8- I am so grateful for my ears and voice so I can continue doing what I love best 9- Of course I am thankful for my bff’s (best feline friends) who adapt to my lifestyle (or maybe it’s the other way around…) 10- I am grateful for my peers who are my siblings and cousins…a supportive family who can laugh and cry together.
I listened with apprehension
to a man of the cloth
not! a man of God
because a man of God
does not judge
a man of God loves
unconditionally
and I listened
my mouth agape
this man filled
with self-righteousness
callous and vindictive
defending other men and women
of the cloth
and the more he professed
his twisted truths
I cried…
and the more I imagined
those who do not want to believe
and judge and blame the victims
I cried…
and the man of the cloth
spoke with a twisted tongue
filled with venom
like a snake…
and I cried…
for the first brothers and sisters
of their native land
who have nourished this land
and taught us how to survive
where grand-maman fed my mother
where my mother fed her children
and where I fed my children and their children
I struck my chest
with my fist
again and again and again
and I cried…
for the untruths
from this man
of the cloth
who is not a man of God
On the 2nd day of summer, a baby girl was born. I wonder why they did not call her Summer but of course it did not translate well in French. And so, Colombe (Dove in English) was born. She was planned, so I hear from stories from my GrandMaman, on one Sunday afternoon. How did they manage to have the house to themselves and what on earth was on their minds, coming from Sunday mass?
My grandparents had a flat on the 2nd floor of City Hall at the time, because my grandfather was Chief of Police.
My grandmother often said that out of all the children there was always one that was chosen to take care of their parents in their old age. My grandmother used to call Colombe, “Mon baton de veillesse’’ (old aged stick…which really means ‘old age crutch’.)
But you must remember in those days in 1925, good Catholic families prohibited from family planning…this baby was planned. GrandMaman used to say a baby planned on a Sunday was ‘’un bébé d’amour’’ …I am not sure love child means the same thing.
And so June 22, 1926, Colombe was born…the fourth child, the middle child of seven. Of course this was a small family compared to other good Catholic families back then. My grandmother was fortunate to have learned young, as a midwife, when a woman ovulated…and so she found her way to plan her family despite the sin she may have committed.
I wonder how they spoke about this plan coming home from Sunday mass.
Mother: I think it’s time to plan for a child that will take care of us in our old age.
Father: Okay [with a twinkle in his eye and skip in his step.]
Mother: Yes, this afternoon would be a good time while the children are at the cottage.
Father: I aim to please, my love.
I don’t know if she carried her to term of 40 weeks, so I imagine this discourse took place sometime in September or early October…oh my! I wonder if it was on my Grandmother’s birthday, October 13th….[rushing to check 1925 calendar…okay, so let’s add a bit of imagination to this story]
On October 11, 1925, GrandPapa asked his spouse what she wanted for her birthday October 13th. And that was her present! I bet GrandPapa wished he could gift her like that more often…[chuckles]
Colombe certainly became a special “baton”…when her little brother was only one, he had TB and she had to quit school having completed Grade 9 to take care of him for two years while he had a body cast.
From there she later went to Montreal at Hairdressing school at Morgan’s (The Bay). She stayed at her sister’s who had a baby and a toddler and became a live in Nanny when she was not in school because her sister like to wine and dine with the rich and famous and her husband.
She never really got to live life on her own freely…and when she met my father, who was auditing a company in her small town, they married six months later.
I’m glad she did because I wouldn’t be here today .There is a story to tell on that day forward but suffice to say the best part was having moi and my sister, right? [smiles]
She was an amazing daughter, friend, spouse, sister, mother and the most loving and fun Nanny as well. I am so glad my children have fond memories of her.
Happy Birthday, Mom. Even in heaven, I bet there is some heavenly celebration you so deserve.
Today was the big day!! Yep, my daughter was kind enough to take time off her busy work day to pick me up and drive me to get my first dose of COVID-19 vaccine. It’s done! I feel fine and so grateful it is over…thankful to my daughter and every person working or volunteering in this project.
Okay, that is now but last night I was worried. I had a sore throat for the past two days and a sinus headache last night. I have chronic rhinitis and some allergies so all this is NORMAL but when you are getting an important vaccine, your mind plays tricks on you…especially if you are a worry wart.
So I got up at 4am and called the health line and the nurse said I should be fine. I mentioned that I heard you are not supposed to take Tylenol the morning of the vaccination and asked if I could take Advil…she had not heard about this but mentioned that Advil has more side effects and did not recommend it. I took care of my throat and sinuses with salt and a good rinse a few times, then honey/lemon drops. Yeah, that worked! I know I was being silly but the mind does what the mind wants sometimes.
By the time I got to the centre which is an old Loblaws (grocer) building, I walked in the building and waited my turn at the gate. There were 5 lines. I never saw so many old people in one spot….haha, yeah, it was like looking at me, times 500. There were more single people than couples. I mention this only because a couple told me a few weeks ago how they were shocked about this. I had never really noticed that. Of course it depends where you are in your own life.
As I waited at the glass door for my turn to get through the glass door and register, I saw all the stations, and rows and rows of people…my heart started pounded, my throat tightened and I struggled to breathe. The more I paid attention to what was going on in my body, the harder it was to breathe. I quickly scolded myself…telling myself, “Okay, stop it! Now count 5 things you can see…keep looking at what you can actually see!!” I never got to what I hear or smell…just grounding myself with instructions to myself to articulate in my mind each item I could see and my breathing returned. Nothing like trying to practice what you preach…and it works!
As I entered, I was told to remove my mask and with cooking thongs, the person gave me a new surgical mask. Then I was told to get in the line and follow. I was relieved to see there were markers that were 2 metres apart. The couple behind me kept moving closer…I looked over my shoulder a few times and they got the message…well, okay, the last time I did look, I gave them “the Mother Look”. Haha, I think the man got it and told his partner. I realize when you are with another person, chatting, you can lose track of the distancing. But let’s face it, we still have to be careful, and I think I will remain a bit strict in that area for a long time to come.
One of my pet peeves pre-pandemic times are people who hover too close to you standing in line especially at the cash register when I am paying. It really irks me! I would turn my back to them in the past…now I have found the courage to say, “Could you back up please” and if they stay put, I will add, “Back up! have a little respect for others. My space is also protecting you.” I guess this is one thing the pandemic has taught me, to assert myself and when that doesn’t work…be a bit little aggressive. Before I would sigh out of frustration or once on my own, cry and be sad that there are some people who just don’t care about others.
I realize that is a generalization and that some are just so covid fatigued, apathy has instilled and depression…so I know I need to be aware of that when asking to respect the 2-metre space.
By the time I got to register for the actual vaccine, I asked the gentleman which one was I getting and he ticked off “Pfizer”…yay!! then I moved on to another person to answer questions about my health etc an in no time I was sitting at the station. A lovely lady introduced herself giving me her name and profession…she is a pharmacist. I asked her questions I was concerned about and she was patient and did not rush me off. Then I moved on to the section to sit and wait for 15 minutes. During that time a gentleman came over to ask for my vaccination“receipt” and added the date of my next vaccination in July…and voilà! As I waited the 15 minutes, my daughter texted me to ask if I was ok. I love her so much for caring and bringing me here and waiting. I know she is very busy with her work as a manager and teenage boys, but she did not complain. I texted her to tell her I was going out to wait and the sun was glorious! Many people were sitting waiting for their rides and the man next to me had pulled down his mask and was coughing…hmmm, not too bright…so I moseyed on away from him a good 20 feet!
I feel so fortunate having adult children who care…taking time away from their busy schedule to drive Mom around for something like this. However, I do look forward to my 2nd dose so I can jump on the bus, rent a car and get around…drop by to visit them rather than they coming to pick me up. Covid has aged my habits by a good 15 years, meaning, no longer driving (since I do not own a vehicle) and afraid to take public transit to get around and taking the bus to the car rental place. I say aged because I know my kids worry about me due to my lack of mobility as well for my health.
I have spasms of weeping for a few seconds most days worrying about our future but they are short lived. I can talk myself out of negativity. Talking to a few friends and of course family and virtual chats with my grand-daughter uplifts me all the time. I find myself closer in many ways to my children and have grown even closer to my friend/soul sister 650 kms away. It IS so important to connect with a few people who you can laugh, bitch, cry and laugh with, at the drop of a hat.
I have indulged in too much screen time but watching so many medical shows that are American, I feel so fortunate to be living in a country where we all pitch in to pay that little extra on our paycheques so we can benefit with free health care no matter who you are. Sure a few private clinics have surfaced due to the high demand but people who have insurance and/or can afford this …fine. I know I can walk into a hospital and not worry about being charged anything except for a private room maybe but other than that, I do not have to put off getting medical attention because I don’t have a better insurance coverage or am not wealthy. I never had to wait until I was 65 in order to get any kind of health coverage. So, yeah, I feel blessed living here.
I am thankful I still can work part time from home, eat well, (well, maybe too much these days) and live in a comfortable condo with all the amenities I need in walking distance.
I can’t wait for things to open up so I can slowly prepare for retirement…to explore more passions where I can volunteer…maybe find one or two places for diversity. I am not ready to stop until I know I can stay active.
The earth has been diseased for decades and now for over a year, the world is still held hostage by a virus that has no mercy and gets stronger over time. Humans are at war with a trillion drones hiding in wait…yet, they are invisible! And so we walk around with the only protective gear possible even in this high tech era that we live.
Social distancing
Wearing a mask
Washing your hands
Social distancing
Preferably
STAY HOME
Wearing a mask
When you can’t social distance
Forget the lipstick
Washing your hands
BEFORE TOUCHING ANYTHING!
Scientists working tirelessly to give humans ammunition but it’s a slow,process to gear every human..
In the meantime, is nature really healing? I mean aside from seeing a bluer sky, is it really? When things get safer, how many humans will revert to old, damaging patterns? This “time out” is perhaps an opportunity for humans to change. Here is one way to hear from a long time environmentalist David Suzuki
Wake up with the sun
feeling like a prisoner
another long day
Looking for excuses
to stay safe inside
it’s too cold,
it’s too icy…
tired of playing
the same ol’ game
“catch me if you can”
corona has no shame
feed the cats
my prime concern
then grinding java beans
fragrant and delightful
a lift that makes me smile
lifting the blinds
just a little
just enough
felines sun bathe
yet not enough
to peek inside my lair
just enough to see outside
watching the same people
day after day
day after day
walking their lady lapdogs
jogging to the park
some walking hand in hand
day after day
same old shit,
different day
one, two, three hours pass
still finding reasons to stay inside
brushing my cat
petting the other
blessed my friends are here
keeping me sane
binging today
on SVU…Law and Order
stories about perpetrators
victims of abuse
tales remind me sometimes
of stories that I’ve heard
the only consolation on TV
the bad guy may get caught
the victim may finally heal
live sort of happy ever after.
another hour, it’s quiet
the cats are sleeping
bellies full
the streets are empty too
no walkers now
just cars parked in front
a visitor here
another guest there
not sure if it is illegal
but keeping someone sane
outweighs any Legault law
so long as curfews followed
such visits heal the soul
tired of playing
the same ol’ game
“catch me if you can”
corona has no shame
it’s finally dark
yet not too late
last minute souls
who brave the streets
to get a dozen eggs
it’s finally dark
we’re all shut in
it’s passed eight o’clock
it’s finally dark
survived another day…
tired of playing
the same ol’ game
“catch me if you can”
corona has no shame
(c) tournesol ‘2021 -02-13
Daily Moments – it’s finally dark free verse Feb 13 2021
Today as my colleague was describing a counselling process, I was visualizing a collaborative partnership…like creating a tapestry. Each yarn, unique in its texture and colour; each row adding to the complexity forming; client holds bits and pieces of yarn, varried textures from thin to soft, soft to thick and coarse of so many colours; counsellor holds the loom and together a new story unfolds.
Wrapping yarn
Bulky, soft and unique
around each nail
wrapping yarn
attentive and respectful
to each detail
bulky, soft and unique
weaving each new syllable
tapestry of life
around each nail
exploring – discovering
options unfold
I am me, none other, not my mother’s weaknesses nor the sins of my father but the qualities of my mother, strength of my grandmother sometimes tenacious, impatience blessed my fortitude and sometimes with some solitude; when o’er the top kinsfolk distressed.
I am perfect in my imperfection I’m an ordinary human being, doing the best I can with utmost dedication.
I love to help, care listen with compassion giving, feeds me double rations so much more do I receive.
I am female woman, all the time insisting I be true to my heart’s desires, my need for intimacy my thirst for sexuality if society permitted I would not have to store said desires in a drawer No indeed! they’d call me an exciting player rather than promiscuous stayer and… I’m also a lady the rest of the time;
I am not English nor am I French I am Canadian, then I’m Québécoise I am a product of my ancestors woven of the best of tweeds in French, Irish, Welsh, English like most Canadian tapestries.
I’m independent but not unfriendly embrace my solitude which toys two camps of loneliness and isolation ambivalence ascends with feelings of worthlessness, aloneness then transcends.
I love my mother, and all my children, and my children’s children too, my sister moreover- cousins most times, my friends… true siblings soul mates, by design.
I love with abandon sheer lust and passion, not always guarded… but, ill prepared, which sometimes breaks the heart in two, Lord Tennyson seemed to know this pain as quoted saying: ‘Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.’
I want to wake next to a lover but not lose me along the way so much explored of me, discovered… I learn to love me more each day.
at first the world was shocked
like being on a ship, discovering a leak
but then there were too many …
like a kitchen fire
putting out the flames
until it spread too far…
winter, spring…
the world looked in shock
watching overseas
knowing what was to come
so many deaths
so many losses
too many mourners
robbed of saying, ‘goodbye’
and then summer arrived…
leaks seemed under control
fire was a constant simmer
‘Summertime’ in the air
most humans still followed rules
…except
those wrapped in self-righteousness
their stole of complacency
those screaming for freedom
claiming their rights and liberties
defying laws that protect humans
laws to allow essential workers
do their job
to keeping the sick, alive
healthcare workers hold a screen
a dying patient says ‘adieu’
from afar, loved ones mourn
a nurse steps out for air
in shock, so much despair
sees marchers scream unmasked
claim threats are just a hoax
deaths only media hyped
they see not what they do
but only their umbilici
under its watchful eye
coronas sneer at their prey
multiply to centillions
autumn’s expectations
children, youths, essential workers
vulnerable and at risk
coronas’ tempting hosts
spreading more and more
coronas hanging on
essential workers stock our shelves
food for demanding bellies
barter with the devil
should they get tested and miss work
or work to feed their family
should they risk to lose their homes
their families on the street?
no benefits protect these heroes
what else can they then do?
winter locks the world
…again
this virus holds them prisoners
scientists work around the clock
companies start producing
new remedies for the world
but…
our fears and egotism
controls human behaviour
politics gets in the mix
add greed and nepotism
all powerful yet fatal
leaders and wealth
put the world at risk again
the rich’s win will be short lived…
the poor …we’re still not sure…
I wonder which is worse
which virus is more contagious?
which germ destroys the most?
corona or inhumanity?
who cares…
they all are now bedfellows.
Can`t seem to find the words the mind is just so numb cracks etched upon my heart memories start to form lines on every vein telling each a different story good, caring, funny warm, loving, happy smart, wise and witty, A hundred and one adjectives Never enough for this fine man
that time he whispered softly, “Now be careful when you date, that no man breaks your heart” Handing me a tiny teddy That held a great big heart he gave me one fine Christmas My first, away from home
Oh! Remember my first date At Phantom of the Opera! so frazzled on what to wear! Fred and Mae just sat down calmly on their maple Vilas couch watching the little fashion show helped me choose what to wear
those nights coming home after a date with so and so… a bottle of Kahlua a shot glass and a note “Hope you had a nice time, Here’s a nightcap for you, before you go to bed” that time that we three had dinner and then he smiled and asked smacked his lips mischievously “Wanta share a joint with me, It’s one of Wardy’s homegrown?” I thought about it mulled it over and said to myself, “Why not?!” I felt very safe with Mae & Fred and was plenty curious too!! Had not experimented In my teens with LSD or pot a goody two shoes I was a lot the sixties and the seventies… never dated much either I married my teenage sweetheart When I was just fifteen.
I think mid-life made me daring at forty-five I was bold I tried my very first joint just a few puffs here and there and off to Disneyland I was! Guess I was not a good candidate or as my cousin Ward would say, “Cuz, you sure are a cheap date!”
He was there when I moved five hours away from home he and his wife made sure I was safe in my new home He pushed me to exercise Walking a mile after work Then we’d eat that chunky soup Homemade by Mae each week
We talked about life and helping people Psychology and mental health he understood me and my work I could feel his fatherly pride His heart that swelled inside for all that I have done and I’ll cherish all those times he gave so selflessly altruism his middle name
We both loved to read And when he finally retired He joined a book club The only male reader there But Fred was so accustomed Exceptions were his ordinary
We shared a few novels Discussed them for awhile I wish I’d had more time Discussed with him Green Mile Those stories that made you think I treasured his insights and wisdom His thirst for learning Never quite quenched There was so much in life to learn Feeding on medicine and therapies nothing was beneath or above him Except of course technology Computers did drive him mad!
a loving and generous man how could you not admire A man of such great depth quick and clever kind and compassionate he never missed a beat devoted… compassionate
Until we meet again Uncle Fred I so hope you are dancing Speed walking and jogging, free of all aches and pains walking up, one by one, those golden stairs beckon you to heaven
Sitting on remnants of an old tree, she stretches her feet and rests them on the flat rock. Her toes dip into the cool water and she closes her eyes, allowing the river rapids to draw her in. Rumble, rumble, splash, spray, whoosh…hypnotic rhythm of the current.
Her mind is still not quite clear and she chants four Sanskrit words softly over and over and over. Her voice becomes part of the summer breeze and echoes over the waves. Soon, her mind is filled with memories of her mother smiling and laughing. The children are young and giggle at their Nanny as she sings a song with lyrics she makes up along the way.
many days have passed
hanging on a limb
ruminating
many days have passed
sadness and joy
woven in time
hanging on a limb
rumbling with the rapids
ambivalence flows
ruminating
pausing to appreciate
breathing in the joys
She saw an ant by the living room window…a sure sign spring is nearing summer. The heat is already getting to her with the ragweed gnawing at her sinuses. Her chest is heavy although she blames the pollution and the pollen of the old oak tree and ragweed. Yes, that’s it, dust and pollution.
(c) Clr ’15My grands, Mia and Heidi (sisters)
In July she will be house and pet sitting for a week in Rougemont, a small village known for its apple orchards. In the back yard there are very berry bushes, three apple trees, lilacs, rose bushes and a long yard for Mia and Heidi to run. The end of the yard is lined with various trees that give an illusion of being in the country by the forest. She likes to sit there at mid-day in the shade and cool breeze the leaves offer her. The girls have their spot in the shade after they’ve had their time to play tag and play wrestle. They are sisters but fraternal twins. Mia is a Golden mix and Heidi is a German Shepherd mix. And she, is their Nana.
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apple blossoms
blessings in many forms
fingertips on silk
apple blossoms
fruitful
promises
blessings in many forms
Golden licks a hand
that pets her
Clicking on the menu to start a new contact, the story will ensue we form a first contract I listen and care too, sometimes it gets sad need to find a bit of glad to maintain my strength, then, my heart fills with feel-good thrills… soak up a fond venue screen portrays this view…
Two soul sisters in more ways than one, resting on the stairs soaking up the sun; just seconds before, they make a dash for a game of Tag! you`re It! and Catch me if you Can! a little friendly wrestle growling in their rounds of muscle all in sisterly canine fun.
Submitted for: PookyPoetry Prompt #30 – Screensaver. I often alternate with a screensaver at work from family photos of my mom and me, my grandson, my children, lovely street photos I took or loving pets. These are two sisters my son owns, taken on the back steps of his Rougemont home. I call these split second escapes when counselling on the phone to maintain a strong, comforting and engaging stance.
Tournesol dans un Jardin 